breaking heart.

I'm a bit nervous to share this but I feel like God is asking me to so here it goes.  I have a very hard time talking to God 'in my head' without getting distracted so easily.  So, before, during, and after I read His word I journal as if I am writing/talking just to Him.  I don't share it with anyone and Alan doesn't even read it.  As I was writing today, I felt God nudging me to share it so here it is.  

This week I came across a blog that told about children in another country that were, basically, being starved to death.  Some of these babies & kids have downs syndrome and have been left to lay in a bed, not being held or touched, only given a glass beer bottle with a nipple attached and filled with a liquid with very little substance.  I cried and cried when I read the horrible stories.  Last night when I was talking to Alan I had to stop talking because I began to cry.  Lord, I want to do something but I do not know what.  I want to adopt one of those children, but do I have the means to care for them?  I need Your direction.

It's in situations such as theirs that I start to question why you don't destroy the world.  How can someone treat little ones like this?  I live in such a comfortable, safe bubble here in the US, in our safe, small town.  I almost feel guilt over it but I know that is not from You.

I am making changes in the way I live so we can get out of debt and better be able to serve Your people in a financial way.  So, until that day, I will pray and pray and change in ways You lay upon my heart.

One example is I want to stop being dependent on make up-that is money much better spent on others.  My self-worth should not come from my appearance.  Another thing you have brought to mind is Noah's schooling.  Should we send him to a private school?  Or is that a selfish act on our part?  I need direction for this decision.  I thought I would get a 'sign' at the open house the other night but I didn't.  It only felt more awkward.  I trust in You for guidance.  I {and I know Alan does too} want Your will for Noah, and all our kids, so we are willing to do what You would want us to.

Thank you for Your tremendous blessings You have placed on my life.  Sometimes I wonder why because I know nothing I have done merits such wealth. ♥Your Daughter

ministry.

I cannot nail down one thing to blog about.  My life is consumed by my kiddos and I often forget those thoughts of, "Oh! That'd be a great thing to write about!"  Am I the only one?  I'm much better at a bunch of random thoughts, expressed in a few sentences each.  Today's thoughts are some that I have had for a while now.  So here I go...


Most of my {short} adult life I have believed that ministry was doing something within the church, and by within the church, I mean within the building.  Examples: being a youth sponsor, helping in the nursery, singing on the praise team, helping to set up/tear down, you get the idea.  And while those are all ministries, and good ones, they are not the end all.  Since leaving the title of youth pastor's wife behind, I have struggled with feeling like I am not doing something to serve God.  I was not apart of something that had a title; I was not on a 'team'; I was not on a committee.  I guess I considered serving God was being busy within the church. 


Now do not misunderstand me, people are needed to serve within the church, give of their time, and share the talents/gifts God has blessed them with.  {this is all harder to put into words than I thought it would be}.  And being apart of ministry teams within the church is by no means a bad thing.  What I am getting at is this: God has been showing me that my family is my ministry.  Whoa...that thought makes me stop in my tracks.  How had I been treating my family in the past?  It was more like a job, a to-do list, a requirement, but a ministry?  That was a new thought to me.  


Some of you may not be able to relate to my eye opening experience because you are already doing this.  But this was, and is, a new way of thinking for me.  It has changed the way I view each hour, day, week.  It has cause me to check my thoughts and actions and line them up with a more Christ-centered attitude.  As I am typing this and thinking it through it seems like common sense.  The Bible does say to "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:31) and of course that should apply to my family.  


Is anyone following me here?  


To be continued...

cherish each moment.

Waking up to find the boys have made their own breakfast of strawberries and string cheese.

Noah looking at me with a smile and saying, "I can't believe we're having another baby!"

Spending the day in our backyard with a beautiful friend and her two boys.

Holding my two year old while he falls asleep in my arms.

Watching Miss Lillyann Grace move and kick.

Each time I breath, Noah thinks his baby sister, Lilly, is moving.

The way he looks at me like I'm the only one in the world while taking my hand in his.  {I melt}

Quiet time with my God, His word, and my fav cup of coffee, courtesy of my Keurig {from the one mentioned above}.  And during these moments I find the strength and peace I need to keep moving forward, following His will {even thought it can be painful}.

My neighbor brought over 4 packs of diapers, baby lotion, baby soap, and one of the cutest newborn outfits I've ever seen!  I will certainly miss her, her thoughtfulness, and kind words.

Quiet nights sitting outside watching all 3 of my boys catch lightning bugs.

The feeling of accomplishment when I see the beautiful flowers growing in the flower beds.

Finding out our second offer on our house was accepted.  Since before we were married, Alan and I talked about owning our own home.  I cannot believe we are headed in that direction and will be able to bring our baby girl home to a house we own.

Building relationships with the most unlikely people.  I'm talking about the people who vowed from the moment they met you that they would not like you or give you the time of day yet they become some of the most fun people you have ever been around!!  I will sure miss late night movies and snow cones. (:

Peace that comes from God's creations.  I love being outside!

Watching someone grow into who God is creating them to be.  As a youth pastor's wife I had a front-row seat to this.  I will miss being apart of their lives on a frequent basis.  They have taught me more than they will ever know and I love each one of them greatly!

My two boys sharing a blanket, laying on the floor, while watching a movie.  So sweet!

Random hugs, kisses, and I love yous from my four year old.  He has the most tender heart!

Just a few thoughts/things I want to be sure to remember even when life is hectic and crazy.  Stopping to dwell on the blessings in life is so uplifting.

what is next?

Well, I am not very good at keeping up with this blog.  I love reading my friends blogs and admire how well written and beautiful they always look.  I tend to think that is something I could ever do.  I mean, my life isn't really that interesting...what in the world do I have to tell the world? {or whomever reads this}  So today I thought I would just write about what is on my heart.  And my heart is wondering: What is next? 

What is next?  Honestly, I do not know.  God knows, I am sure of that, but He has not felt the need to clue me in yet.  And so here I am, waiting.  I am not even sure what I am waiting for.  Have you ever felt that way?  Just waiting?  Or am I alone in this feeling?  I find myself thinking I am alone, but then I am reminded that He is always there and He has a beautiful plan for my life.  This is something I know but I am struggling to believe it. 

At this very moment, I feel thankful for this waiting period, for the Bible says, "Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31 [NKJV]  

Wow!!!  That is what I want!  Renewed strength in and of its self sounds so refreshing and then you add eagles, running, and walking without becoming tired...that is the kind of strength I need.  So I will be thankful for this time of waiting.  God is faithful...always.  And He will renew my strength.