brutal honesty about my addiction.

I'm not sure I even want to begin typing this, but God is doing some serious searching of my heart and this is what I am dealing with.  I am  most certainly overweight.  In fact, according to those wonderful bmi calculators I am obese.  Thank you bmi calculator.  You are not my favorite.

I am not overweight because I've had three kids or any other excuse I may come up with.  I am overweight because of my own choices, desire for food, and my avoidance of exercise.

I've known for many years {probably 10+ years}, that I am an emotional eater.  I eat when I'm stressed, sad, angry, tired, happy, or celebrating.  So, yea, I pretty much like to eat all the time.  It has been the thing I turn to to fill me and comfort me.

I don't want to be this size.  I want to be healthy and be able to run with my kids.  I want to be able to enjoy the summer without feeling all hot and sweaty because my bulging body keeps sticking together. {sorry if that is gross, but it is true!}. 

And this isn't me beating up on myself because I have low self esteem.  In fact, besides my addiction to food, I am secure in who God has created me to be.  But the food thing is a big issue for me.

So, this is where I am at right now.  I crave food more than I crave God.  *OUCH!!* That really hurts to admit that.  I actually cried when I first read that.  That is not the life I want.  I want to crave God with every single part of me and know that He is enough, all I'll ever need!  I plan to share as much of this journey with you as possible.  {remember I do have three kiddos so they take a lot of my time (: }  I'll be posting more about where I am now, maybe a picture and even the dreaded number on the scale! Yikes!

This is a heart changing journey, I'm sure.  I know it will not be easy, but I do not want this issue to hinder my walk with my Savior.

forever His,

marcey ♥

relationships are like plants.

The last couple of years {when we were finally in a house instead of an apartment/townhome}, I found a new love.  Gardening.  I love planting flowers and making a seemingly dead and barren space more beautiful and pleasing to look at.  The way the green and color mix together to create beautiful landscaping just makes me all giddy inside!  And this year, we now have a vegetable garden of our own!  The satisfaction that comes from growing your own food is priceless. What is even more exciting is I have had these plants for nearly a month and they are all still alive!  Sadly, between rabbits, deer, and the cat we formally owned, the last 3 years have resulted in dead, eaten, and up-rooted veggie plants, so you can see why that would thrill me.

Well, in the last week or so, God has really brought the picture of plants to the forefront of my mind and how they can relate to relationships.  I know this is not a new concept.  Plants are written about several times in the Bible {Luke 8:1-15: parable of the sower, John 15:1-17: the vine and branches, just a few examples}.  But have you ever thought about the different types of plants as examples of the depth of our relationships, or specifically our relationship with Christ?

I was awoken with these thoughts sometime last week.

Am I just an pretty annual, that blooms beautifully in the spring and summer?  Do I not grow very big, and my roots are never too deep in the soil?  Then do I just wither, fade, and die at the first sign of harsh weather?

Or am I like a tomato plant?  I produce fruit when times are good but as soon as it gets cold or there is a drought I no longer am able to to anything, but rather I just stop.

Am I a small shrub that seems satisfied with growing just a little and getting my roots just a bit farther in the ground?  I will survive winter or a mild drought but really, I am just happy being small in stature, never really reaching new heights or striving to grow towards heaven.

I'd love to say that I am like a great oak tree.  My roots are deep and strong.  I am not easily blown over or stepped on.  For many years I have grown taller and stronger, always pointing up to heaven and can be seen from afar.

These word pictures have really challenged me to examine where am I in Christ, if I have just become satisfied with my relationship with Him, and if I have lost the desire to go deeper.  Have I become 'ok' with a shallow, only on the surface type of relationship or am I challenged and stretched to grow deeper in His word  and stronger in Him?

Even yesterday when I sat down outside for my alone time with Him, He reminded me of this.  Here is a bit of what I wrote:

Lord, thank you for providing Alan's job!  My heart is overflowing with thanks because of Your faithfulness.  It is because of his job that he was able to have a three day weekend with us and it has sure been relaxing.  And today the weather is perfect!  Thank you.


It in these seasons of life that I know {and want} to deepen my roots in You even more so when the storms of like come, I am secure in You.

"With my roots deep in You, 

I'll grown the branch that bears the fruit.

And though I'm small I'll still be standing in the storm

'Cause I am planted by the river

by Your streams of living water.

And I'll grown up strong and beautiful,

all for your splendor, Lord"

{For Your Splendor by Christy Nockels}

Had my Bible opened to Colossians to show Alan the scripture I'd like to have read for Lilly's dedication and I glanced over to chapter 2 and above the verses was the title 'Spiritual Fullness in Christ' so I began to read.  Verse 6 & 7 say "...continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and over flowing with thankfulness."

Well, needless to say, I was blown away at how God met me right there and it seriously felt like such a big hug!  All this has been on my mind so much lately that I felt pressed to share with you.  I really thought I was supposed to get a post typed up and published last week but it never seemed to come out right and now I know.  God was not finished with this yet.  

I want to be challenged by Him daily and I want to seek to grow stronger in Him by reading His words to me.  I want to be able to hold on tight to Him when the storms come, because storms will come {it is certainly not a matter of if but when}.  

So, friend, I pray that you will stop and think about your own relationship with Christ.  

It's never to late to let Him plant and grown a new seed in you!

It's never to late to put down roots in His word and grow strong in Him!

It's never to late to seek Him and find Him!  He is always there!

Here is a song that has been in my head for the better part of a week and also the song in which I wrote the chorus in my journal yesterday.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

forever His,

marcey ♥

directions.

Whew!  Sometimes you just need to recharge, am I right?  Sharing my story sure took a lot out of me.  Maybe I am alone here, but being so open and vulnerable is a scary, and at times draining, thing.  I mean, I am giving people I know, and most of which I don't know, solid ammo to hurt me if they so choose.  Plus, those that do know me may change how they view me.  But really, that last part does not bother me.  I was obedient to what God asked of me, so I just rest in Him, knowing His ways are greater than mine and He is in charge.  I have tried it on my own with out His help, and well...you all have probably read how that turned out!  Pain.  Hurt.  Heartache.

Since opening up on the www, I have been praying, asking God what His plan is for my blog specifically.  I don't want it to be anything that is my own doing, for my own personal gain.  I want to encourage the hearts of those who read.  I want to point each sweet soul to Jesus and His redeeming, perfect, ever-loving grace.  I also want to be real with you all.  I know God can use my mess to bring others closer to Himself.

So until next time, know that He wants you to know Him personally.  He wants to show you a love you have never known.  Take time today to seek Him...you will find Him.

"17 How precious are your thoughts concerning me, 

God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand-

when I awake, I am still with you."

psalm 139:17-18

forever His,

marcey ♥

my story: redeeming grace.

This is a story.  

This is a story of God's grace and forgiveness, of His mercy and love.

This is a story of a life changed and healed, of a broken marriage restored.

This is a story still being written.

This is my story.

So humbled to have been asked to guest post over at One Small Town Girl.  Click on over to my sweet friend, Ashlie's blog to ready the rest of how God rescued me and restored my marriage.

This is a story.  This is a story of God's grace and forgiveness, of His mercy and love.  This is a story of a life changed and healed, of a broken marriage restored.  This is a story still being written.  This is my story.

Well, to give you a brief background of my life, you should know I grew up in a family that went to church every Sunday, I asked Jesus in my heart at age 6, baptized when I was 7, and was involved in all the ‘extras’ offered by my church.  I even attended Christian private schools till 6^th grade.  I was very involved with my youth group and stayed connected to the church all through high school.  {I am still connected with my youth pastor and his wife, and I simply adore them!}

I want you to understand that I had the head knowledge of what a Christian was supposed to do and be.  I knew what the Bible taught about what was right and what was not.  I knew about God’s grace and mercy.  But these were just things I knew in my head…not much of it was really in my heart…something was still missing…there was a void in my life.

Growing up, I experienced physical and emotional abuse from my mother {the healing from that could be a whole other post}.  Then when I was 15, I learned that mom was leaving my dad and that they were getting a divorce…things got very ugly {is it ever not ugly?}.  It was during this process that I met my sweet husband, Alan, even though we never spoke till I was 16...he was for sure the shy one. (:  He was my first kiss, my first date, and I loved being around him. (:   We got married when I was 19, moved away to Kansas City, and our Mr. Noah was born a year and a month later {um, we had a 5 year 'plan' so this was quite a shock!}.

To say that life was hard when we first got married would be a great understatement.  I know that marriage is never easy, especially when you are first married, but things went on in our home that are never okay.  We were two very broken and very angry people who were too stubborn to admit that we needed someone greater than ourselves to save us.  Not only were we struggling in our marriage, but I was still dealing with that void and had hoped Alan would be able to fill.  That lead to great disappointments because there was no way that Alan could ever fulfill all the needs I had.   Honestly, I look back and truly wonder how we stayed together.

After Noah was born I knew I wanted to stay at home with him.  It was so hard to go back to work those first 6 months of his life.  But, Alan was able to get a good paying, full time job which allowed me to quit my job and stay home…just like I had desperately wanted.  But that did not fulfill that void inside me.  After being home a year, things in my marriage had not changed much.  I had not changed much.  We were seeking wise counsel but the fighting and anger still continued.  I really began to consider divorce as a reasonable option...nothing was changing between us.

A year and a few months after Noah was born, we found out we were expecting out 2^nd little one and instead of tears that came with the news of our first {because of the shock, you know}…I was actually excited this time.  Looking back, I wonder if I thought that little one might fix all my/our problems, make things happy in our home, and again fill that void that was even more present in my life.  But, just a few weeks after the happy news, everything changed.  There was no baby-on-the-way anymore.  We had experienced a miscarriage.  We had lost a child.  I had lost my child.  And I thought I had lost my hope. As I write those last few sentences, it still brings tears to my eyes.  

I had never experienced this type of pain and grief before.  I didn’t know where to turn because even though I grew up going to church, had Christian friends, only listened to Christian music, did all the ‘extras’ I never truly had a relationship with Jesus.  I have experienced many spiritual highs but never the steady flow of the Holy Spirit within me.

My life began to spiral down very fast.  I decided I wanted out of my marriage.  I was tired of trying and I was tired of my needs not being met.  I put things in motion that would allow me to separate and move out.  I began to seek attention and love from others outside of my marriage {that is so hard to admit to you all}.  I changed the type of music I was listening to {some of you may not think this is a big deal, but I believe music/lyrics have such an impact}.  I avoided my friends who were true Christians even though I know they cared deeply about me and wanted to help.  I was looking to the world to fill that void and make the pain inside go away.  

I no longer cared about my little family.  I wanted to do whatever made me feel good.  I wanted to meet the needs that I believed had a 'right' to be met.  I wanted what I wanted. 

{This next part is that is the hardest to admit.  This is the part Satan likes to wave in my face and tell me I'm not good enough to have God's grace and mercy or share His redeeming love with others, because look how bad I have messed up.  This is where God steps in and gives me the courage to continue writing even as tears fall from my eyes.}

In my mind, my marriage was over, done, and there was no hope.  I mean, my husband had had enough 'chances' to change and treat me with love instead of spilling his anger out on me, right?  

I began to go out to the bars, with a friend, and drink.  I guess I thought I had been missing out on something because I never did that in the past.  {I had tried alcohol once prior to this time in my life.}  I wanted to feel loved, cherished, accepted.  I also wanted to run from the deep hurts of my past, my marriage, and the loss of my baby.  In some way, I know I was also running from God and at that time I really struggled believing He even existed any more.

After several weekends out, one night in particular nearly destroyed me and my family. After a night full of drinking, I made a choice that I thought never in my life I would do-never ever.  I had hit my rock bottom.  I don’t think I could have gone any lower.  Reality hit me in the face and I began to see what I was doing to myself, my husband, and my little boy.  This was not the life I wanted to live.  This is not how I wanted my son to see his Mommy.

All this happened from April through May of that year.  Less than 2 months and I fell so far as to nearly destroy my life and lost everything good God had given me.  I knew I had a choice to make...continue with the same behavior or make a huge change.  By the grace of God, I choose to change, to turn around, and run {not walk} back to my Savoir.

I opened up to Alan and was completely honest about all that had happened.  See, the whole time I was acting crazy, God was working on his heart.  He had changed.  He showed my grace and love in a way I most certainly did not deserve.  He showed me God’s love.  He forgave me. 

There was something so freeing about opening up and being real with Alan again.  I began to sense God in a different way because of the love Alan showed me.  I began to allow God to draw me closer to Him again.  I started to realize that the void in my life I was so desperate to fill needed to be filled by God, His love, His grace, His mercy.

I finally started to spend time with Him daily and quench that thirst I had for Him all along.  I just didn't realize how much I desperately needed Him...every day.  Having head knowledge was not enough.  Now, Jesus and I have conversations constantly.  His word is so very precious to me.  He is my life.  He is my joy.  He is my peace.  He is my strength.  He is my love.  He is all I need.  He fills me when I am empty and holds my hand when I am struggling to stand.  

Honestly, I am still in awe of how God restored my life and gave me grace, such great grace.  I could have lost my family, but instead I have a strong marriage built on Jesus and now three amazing babies!  I am almost at a loss for what to say.  All I can do is praise Him.  I cannot imagine what my life would be like if it were not for His mercy and forgiveness.

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,

nor will He harbor His anger forever;

He does not treat us as our sins deserve

or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is His love for those who fear Him;

so far as the east is from the west,

so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

Psalm 103:8-12 NIV

God brought these words to me as I was struggling with sharing this part of my life.  I am beyond grateful that He is slow to anger, abounding in love.  That He will not always accuse me or stay angry with me when I mess up.  He does not treat me as I deserve, but He loves me with a love that far surpasses my comprehension.  And He has removed my sin and washed me clean.  I am forgiven and free!!  And guess what friends, that void is gone in my life and Jesus wants to fill the void in yours too!

the Lord’s,

marcey ♥

i'm gonna do it.

God certainly can work miracles, without a doubt!  He has been faithful time and time again in my life and just in the last 2 weeks has blown me away with the mountains He has moved for myself, my family, and friends.

Where would I be without His never-ending grace and mercy?  Surely, it would not be a pretty place at all.  And this week I have the humble privileged to share with you about the bad and ugly place God brought be out of.  So, friends, please pray for me and ask God to use my story to draw someone closer to Himself, all for His glory.

the Lord's,

marcey ♥

wordless wednesday.

the Lord's,

marcey ♥

being intentional with my babies.

This will be a short little post, but it has been on my mind a lot lately.

How much of our day is actually spent living with intention?  Do you look at every moment and realize that you will never again have that exact moment with those exact people or circumstances?  This last month or so I have tried to really slow down and soak up every bit of my kids.  Writing and sharing my story is what caused me to see how different my life could be and made me appreciate this season of life even more.  Time has already gone by fast and I do not want to wake up one day and realize I missed out on this time.  I want to be intentional with my time...especially when it comes to my babies.

There was loud music playing somewhere in the park so Noah and I started dancing.

 Noah is nearly six and so very smart.  I'm not just saying that because he's my baby {well, that is probably part of the reason}, but really he is!  I want to know that I took the time to teach him and watch his little mind work.  Taylor will be 3 in less than 20 days...I don't have a clue how that happened.  In just the last week alone his sentences have grown and he is constantly using new and bigger words.  I want to hug and kiss on him while he still lets me.  Lilly is 7 months old on Friday.  I love, love, love that girl!  She is so stinkin' beautiful and I tell her that ALL the time.  She's sitting up so well and rocking, rocking...I know she will be crawling soon.  I want to sit and stare at her and just take in every second.

I LOVE this age!  He is all boy and no fear.

I do my best to be intentional with my time during the day with them.  Of course there are days that I let my frustrations and emotions get the best of me and I know may miss some precious moments because I lost my patience.  But, I always want to remind myself to stop.look.listen.when it comes to my family and kiddos.  These years are going to fly by {they already seem like they have} so I want to remember them when they are small.

Soak up even the crazy, fussy times

the Lord's

marcey ♥