my story: redeeming grace.

This is a story.  

This is a story of God's grace and forgiveness, of His mercy and love.

This is a story of a life changed and healed, of a broken marriage restored.

This is a story still being written.

This is my story.

So humbled to have been asked to guest post over at One Small Town Girl.  Click on over to my sweet friend, Ashlie's blog to ready the rest of how God rescued me and restored my marriage.

This is a story.  This is a story of God's grace and forgiveness, of His mercy and love.  This is a story of a life changed and healed, of a broken marriage restored.  This is a story still being written.  This is my story.

Well, to give you a brief background of my life, you should know I grew up in a family that went to church every Sunday, I asked Jesus in my heart at age 6, baptized when I was 7, and was involved in all the ‘extras’ offered by my church.  I even attended Christian private schools till 6^th grade.  I was very involved with my youth group and stayed connected to the church all through high school.  {I am still connected with my youth pastor and his wife, and I simply adore them!}

I want you to understand that I had the head knowledge of what a Christian was supposed to do and be.  I knew what the Bible taught about what was right and what was not.  I knew about God’s grace and mercy.  But these were just things I knew in my head…not much of it was really in my heart…something was still missing…there was a void in my life.

Growing up, I experienced physical and emotional abuse from my mother {the healing from that could be a whole other post}.  Then when I was 15, I learned that mom was leaving my dad and that they were getting a divorce…things got very ugly {is it ever not ugly?}.  It was during this process that I met my sweet husband, Alan, even though we never spoke till I was 16...he was for sure the shy one. (:  He was my first kiss, my first date, and I loved being around him. (:   We got married when I was 19, moved away to Kansas City, and our Mr. Noah was born a year and a month later {um, we had a 5 year 'plan' so this was quite a shock!}.

To say that life was hard when we first got married would be a great understatement.  I know that marriage is never easy, especially when you are first married, but things went on in our home that are never okay.  We were two very broken and very angry people who were too stubborn to admit that we needed someone greater than ourselves to save us.  Not only were we struggling in our marriage, but I was still dealing with that void and had hoped Alan would be able to fill.  That lead to great disappointments because there was no way that Alan could ever fulfill all the needs I had.   Honestly, I look back and truly wonder how we stayed together.

After Noah was born I knew I wanted to stay at home with him.  It was so hard to go back to work those first 6 months of his life.  But, Alan was able to get a good paying, full time job which allowed me to quit my job and stay home…just like I had desperately wanted.  But that did not fulfill that void inside me.  After being home a year, things in my marriage had not changed much.  I had not changed much.  We were seeking wise counsel but the fighting and anger still continued.  I really began to consider divorce as a reasonable option...nothing was changing between us.

A year and a few months after Noah was born, we found out we were expecting out 2^nd little one and instead of tears that came with the news of our first {because of the shock, you know}…I was actually excited this time.  Looking back, I wonder if I thought that little one might fix all my/our problems, make things happy in our home, and again fill that void that was even more present in my life.  But, just a few weeks after the happy news, everything changed.  There was no baby-on-the-way anymore.  We had experienced a miscarriage.  We had lost a child.  I had lost my child.  And I thought I had lost my hope. As I write those last few sentences, it still brings tears to my eyes.  

I had never experienced this type of pain and grief before.  I didn’t know where to turn because even though I grew up going to church, had Christian friends, only listened to Christian music, did all the ‘extras’ I never truly had a relationship with Jesus.  I have experienced many spiritual highs but never the steady flow of the Holy Spirit within me.

My life began to spiral down very fast.  I decided I wanted out of my marriage.  I was tired of trying and I was tired of my needs not being met.  I put things in motion that would allow me to separate and move out.  I began to seek attention and love from others outside of my marriage {that is so hard to admit to you all}.  I changed the type of music I was listening to {some of you may not think this is a big deal, but I believe music/lyrics have such an impact}.  I avoided my friends who were true Christians even though I know they cared deeply about me and wanted to help.  I was looking to the world to fill that void and make the pain inside go away.  

I no longer cared about my little family.  I wanted to do whatever made me feel good.  I wanted to meet the needs that I believed had a 'right' to be met.  I wanted what I wanted. 

{This next part is that is the hardest to admit.  This is the part Satan likes to wave in my face and tell me I'm not good enough to have God's grace and mercy or share His redeeming love with others, because look how bad I have messed up.  This is where God steps in and gives me the courage to continue writing even as tears fall from my eyes.}

In my mind, my marriage was over, done, and there was no hope.  I mean, my husband had had enough 'chances' to change and treat me with love instead of spilling his anger out on me, right?  

I began to go out to the bars, with a friend, and drink.  I guess I thought I had been missing out on something because I never did that in the past.  {I had tried alcohol once prior to this time in my life.}  I wanted to feel loved, cherished, accepted.  I also wanted to run from the deep hurts of my past, my marriage, and the loss of my baby.  In some way, I know I was also running from God and at that time I really struggled believing He even existed any more.

After several weekends out, one night in particular nearly destroyed me and my family. After a night full of drinking, I made a choice that I thought never in my life I would do-never ever.  I had hit my rock bottom.  I don’t think I could have gone any lower.  Reality hit me in the face and I began to see what I was doing to myself, my husband, and my little boy.  This was not the life I wanted to live.  This is not how I wanted my son to see his Mommy.

All this happened from April through May of that year.  Less than 2 months and I fell so far as to nearly destroy my life and lost everything good God had given me.  I knew I had a choice to make...continue with the same behavior or make a huge change.  By the grace of God, I choose to change, to turn around, and run {not walk} back to my Savoir.

I opened up to Alan and was completely honest about all that had happened.  See, the whole time I was acting crazy, God was working on his heart.  He had changed.  He showed my grace and love in a way I most certainly did not deserve.  He showed me God’s love.  He forgave me. 

There was something so freeing about opening up and being real with Alan again.  I began to sense God in a different way because of the love Alan showed me.  I began to allow God to draw me closer to Him again.  I started to realize that the void in my life I was so desperate to fill needed to be filled by God, His love, His grace, His mercy.

I finally started to spend time with Him daily and quench that thirst I had for Him all along.  I just didn't realize how much I desperately needed Him...every day.  Having head knowledge was not enough.  Now, Jesus and I have conversations constantly.  His word is so very precious to me.  He is my life.  He is my joy.  He is my peace.  He is my strength.  He is my love.  He is all I need.  He fills me when I am empty and holds my hand when I am struggling to stand.  

Honestly, I am still in awe of how God restored my life and gave me grace, such great grace.  I could have lost my family, but instead I have a strong marriage built on Jesus and now three amazing babies!  I am almost at a loss for what to say.  All I can do is praise Him.  I cannot imagine what my life would be like if it were not for His mercy and forgiveness.

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse,

nor will He harbor His anger forever;

He does not treat us as our sins deserve

or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is His love for those who fear Him;

so far as the east is from the west,

so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

Psalm 103:8-12 NIV

God brought these words to me as I was struggling with sharing this part of my life.  I am beyond grateful that He is slow to anger, abounding in love.  That He will not always accuse me or stay angry with me when I mess up.  He does not treat me as I deserve, but He loves me with a love that far surpasses my comprehension.  And He has removed my sin and washed me clean.  I am forgiven and free!!  And guess what friends, that void is gone in my life and Jesus wants to fill the void in yours too!

the Lord’s,

marcey ♥